love

love

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Goals.

I know its typical of me to do silly things like move on whims, and take a plane to a place that ive never been to before...but this time im taking my time and im thinking things out.


I got to move to san diego a while back to live with friends as a live in nanny. I loved it. I loved the area, i loved the weather, i loved the beach and the sun... i love the whole feeling. I also looked up Paul Mitchell San Diego, toured the school, got accepted, and signed my papers and paid my HUGE fee to enroll and was ready to start classes! unfortunately like always, i gave it up for keith. BIG mistake.


Well, I think this time around im ready to be more responsible and make decisions the right way. Im going to finish my lease here and see how i feel closer to time... but about 4 months out im going to look at apartments, call the school back, re-enroll on "half deposit" day, and when emmalies old enough to start school, im going to be a student.


 Its kind of a scary thought to think that Id be miles away from my family when ive been here for SOOO long (yeah 2 years at once is a long time for me) but to not have them close is whats scary... whats scarier is I dont want to break emmalies heart. I guess it just gives my momma incentive to come visit california! :)


I was thinking about going to school for midwifery, and YES i would still love to, but i know my passion, and its not nursing before hair and makeup. My dream? I want to do runway hair and makeup, gluing jewels to peoples faces, teasing hair so big you'd think it was the 80's .... i want high fashion. Seeing as i went to school in Arkansas for cosmo, i know that i wouldnt get that kind of training nor experience there. When i toured the school in San Diego i realized its a little out of my league, but im ready to step it up.


I have alot of planning to do and alot of thought to put into it, but im ready to do something with my life, and i think this is where Im starting. I have a year to get back on my feet, and a year to make REAL plans, and a year to get prepared and not just move out of spite or to run away from something. I want a real life, and school is where I need to start.


Im sure some of my friends wont agree with this and some will tell me im stupid, but im sure of this, and i feel good about it... as scary as it is. my mom took that leap a while back and she made it work, i know i can too.


So... Call this my short term Goal, Ill make it work - i always do.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Family.

Tonight I had a member of my family tell me that my mother screwed me up, and that in turn I am doing the same to my daughter... well, aside that i bought a journal and while writing i had an epiphany.
         I now understand what its like to have a little girl and to have no help, and to have the hard times to deal with alone, and to have a little girl who wants to fight you on everything, and ive learned to respect my mom for everything shes done. NO she may not have been perfect, but who is the perfect mother? I'd say the perfect mother would be someone who has nothing but time on their hands, money to buy everything that child needs and a husband who cares more about his kid than work or tv, or the bar. 
         No one is perfect and i dont care how my mother raised me because you know what? I didnt have sex when i was 14, i didnt do drugs, i didnt hang with the wrong people and yes i did my fair share of sneaking around, but who didnt? 
         I think in all of this ive learned to respect my mother more, especially since she raised 2 of us on her own. Thats admirable.
         We dont always get along, but Ill never EVER blame her for my childs raising. Emmalie and I are close, and best friends, and if you want to blame my mom for that? Go ahead. That just means she did a DAMN good job. 
         Another point is that i was told that i was wrong for wanting "me time" but you know, i think every mother young or older deserves that. Time to read a book, clean house, sleep, or play freaking online games. Who cares? if you have family members that are willing to help you out thats because they LOVE YOU. If you're one of those people who have people who want to help you, its because they love you... make sure you let them know you love them too. You never know what tomorrow will bring as tomorrow isnt promised.


So. in conclusion, Everyone learns, and sometimes its the hard way... thats the way its always been for me, and sometimes its not that way for other people.... but, just take care of yourselves... life is too precious not to. :)


Thanks for reading, and MOM?  I love you.


-xoxojess