Goals.

I know its typical of me to do silly things like move on whims, and take a plane to a place that ive never been to before...but this time im taking my time and im thinking things out.


I got to move to san diego a while back to live with friends as a live in nanny. I loved it. I loved the area, i loved the weather, i loved the beach and the sun... i love the whole feeling. I also looked up Paul Mitchell San Diego, toured the school, got accepted, and signed my papers and paid my HUGE fee to enroll and was ready to start classes! unfortunately like always, i gave it up for keith. BIG mistake.


Well, I think this time around im ready to be more responsible and make decisions the right way. Im going to finish my lease here and see how i feel closer to time... but about 4 months out im going to look at apartments, call the school back, re-enroll on "half deposit" day, and when emmalies old enough to start school, im going to be a student.


 Its kind of a scary thought to think that Id be miles away from my family when ive been here for SOOO long (yeah 2 years at once is a long time for me) but to not have them close is whats scary... whats scarier is I dont want to break emmalies heart. I guess it just gives my momma incentive to come visit california! :)


I was thinking about going to school for midwifery, and YES i would still love to, but i know my passion, and its not nursing before hair and makeup. My dream? I want to do runway hair and makeup, gluing jewels to peoples faces, teasing hair so big you'd think it was the 80's .... i want high fashion. Seeing as i went to school in Arkansas for cosmo, i know that i wouldnt get that kind of training nor experience there. When i toured the school in San Diego i realized its a little out of my league, but im ready to step it up.


I have alot of planning to do and alot of thought to put into it, but im ready to do something with my life, and i think this is where Im starting. I have a year to get back on my feet, and a year to make REAL plans, and a year to get prepared and not just move out of spite or to run away from something. I want a real life, and school is where I need to start.


Im sure some of my friends wont agree with this and some will tell me im stupid, but im sure of this, and i feel good about it... as scary as it is. my mom took that leap a while back and she made it work, i know i can too.


So... Call this my short term Goal, Ill make it work - i always do.

Family.

Tonight I had a member of my family tell me that my mother screwed me up, and that in turn I am doing the same to my daughter... well, aside that i bought a journal and while writing i had an epiphany.
         I now understand what its like to have a little girl and to have no help, and to have the hard times to deal with alone, and to have a little girl who wants to fight you on everything, and ive learned to respect my mom for everything shes done. NO she may not have been perfect, but who is the perfect mother? I'd say the perfect mother would be someone who has nothing but time on their hands, money to buy everything that child needs and a husband who cares more about his kid than work or tv, or the bar. 
         No one is perfect and i dont care how my mother raised me because you know what? I didnt have sex when i was 14, i didnt do drugs, i didnt hang with the wrong people and yes i did my fair share of sneaking around, but who didnt? 
         I think in all of this ive learned to respect my mother more, especially since she raised 2 of us on her own. Thats admirable.
         We dont always get along, but Ill never EVER blame her for my childs raising. Emmalie and I are close, and best friends, and if you want to blame my mom for that? Go ahead. That just means she did a DAMN good job. 
         Another point is that i was told that i was wrong for wanting "me time" but you know, i think every mother young or older deserves that. Time to read a book, clean house, sleep, or play freaking online games. Who cares? if you have family members that are willing to help you out thats because they LOVE YOU. If you're one of those people who have people who want to help you, its because they love you... make sure you let them know you love them too. You never know what tomorrow will bring as tomorrow isnt promised.


So. in conclusion, Everyone learns, and sometimes its the hard way... thats the way its always been for me, and sometimes its not that way for other people.... but, just take care of yourselves... life is too precious not to. :)


Thanks for reading, and MOM?  I love you.


-xoxojess

I Was Just Thinking.

These lyrics seemed post worthy. The song makes it perfect.

BY: Teitur

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking
I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light
Just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I,
I was just thinking, merely thinking
This boat is sinking
I'm tired of postcards, especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you, missing you, dreaming I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head I just want us to love instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I was just thinking - I was just thinking
That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking 

Love Sucks.

Its way too close to the 19th for me to even function. One year of my life without her, and one year of my life that ive almost live the way i should... it shouldnt have taken me losing her to do that though. :(


I have lost more than her though. Sometimes someone only has to get a significant other to be a complete disappointment. this year ive almost lost 2 other best friends to that. One i did, and the other is making some kind of an effort. At least we share work and have a damn good time doing so. I wonder if this is how amber felt when i married keith and moved away.... then i think, "no it wasn't because she came to New York to be near me..." Sometimes i wonder if I stopped loving them if it would hurt less.... but then i realize i may not even understand love.


When people say 'I love you' it generally means nothing to me. I take it as 'you're a good friend, ill see you tomorrow'... i dont feel as though i am truly loved by anyone else other than family. I dont even know the meaning of love in any other way than unconditional, and thats the kind of love i have for my daughter, mother, sister... etc, and the kind that my heart granted the wonderful man who gladly accepted the role as my father and now grandfather to emmalie.


There is one thing in this world that truly hurts everyone and that thing isnt anger... or fear.... its LOVE. why do people hurt? because someone they love either left them, died, lied or anything else stupid. There are many ways to hurt someone you love, way more than ways there are to hurt an enemy. Think about it.... I am sure in your mind right now you're thinking "thats not true, i could burn my enemies house down" and sure you could! but only words can break the heart of someone who loves you and it takes matches, gasoline and effort to hurt that enemy. If you burned down the house of someone who loved you... now that... would be the end of it. To your dismay you might hurt more because eventually the person who loved you, if it was true love, would forgive you. And this love i speak of isnt the "boyfriend/girlfriend" kind of 'love'... its real love... the kind of love that people are lucky to know... or like said before, unconditional.


Yesterday was valentines day, and the 75% of people who didnt have a "valentine" or a significant other, either moped about it, or claimed they didnt recognize the holiday as anything other than a way to spend their money.  Truth is, they were just praying that someone would think of them too... you know, that little surprise in the mail, at school, at work, or even a text message that made their day. everyone wants love, but love to most is nothing more than words they wanna hear or actions they wanna see. 


WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY POINT. LOVE:


There are 28 definitions of "love" in the dictionary. some of those being:

 

love

  

[luhv]  Show IPAnoun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

–noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person;sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection,or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.

a love affair;  an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.

sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.

( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection,as Eros or Cupid.

9.

affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love ofone's neighbor.

10.

strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: herlove of books.

11.

the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

1.) would you say this is "real".... 

2.) is this unconditional?

3.) lookie there!  physical love.

4.) looks real... almost like unconditional.

5.) just a nickname.

6.) someone gets hurt.

7.) again, physical love.

8.) back to physical.

9.) this isnt necessarily love, its just the action of caring.

10.) i like lots of things, so do others.

11.) materialistic almost.  nothing to do with the feelings of another.

I sound skeptical and cynical. however im just honest.


if anyone can tell me what "love" is other than explain how i feel about my family, please tell me. Thanks.


AND, make it also noted that I love Valentines Day, and i too also sit and wait for mail or that little gift to pop up at work :) 


All in all, love sucks....
you always get hurt in the end.

My Thank Yous to Keith Teal

My dearest Keith Teal,

I think you suck at life.

Thank you for no help at all.... the only help is some money and you're trying to take even THAT away.

Thank you for RE-marrying soon after our divorce and raising her child and then getting HER pregnant and then telling me you want to sign your rights over to the first child you created (and begged me to bear). 

Thank you for never checking on her..

thank you for never asking how she is or making sure she has what she needs. 

Thank you for telling everyone i kept her from you.... IN fact that beautiful ex girlfriend of yours sent her the daddy dolls that you sent for HER son while you were deployed, to me, and she carried one around for the longest time calling it daddy... then she took the picture out... who knows where its at.  

Thanks also for the pics you sent christine, I now have them and emmi adores them. She wanted one for her room so i put it in a litttle plastic .50 frame from walmart and she keeps it on her bed and says "that MYYYY daddy"..... today she accidently broke it and she cried.

Thank you for giving me a headache thinking of what to tell her when we go through pics of you and i together and you and her as a newborn and she says "where daddy go?" that wont be the only time ill have to answer her, wait until shes 7 and shes in school and someones dad who has an awesome job comes in to tell her class about it and she wonders... WHERES MINE?

just like the song "me and emily" - rachel procter

Some day, when she's old enough,

She's gonna start askin' questions about him.

Some kid at school brings his Dad for show an' tell,

An' gets her little mind a-wonderin':

"Where's my Daddy? Do I have one?

"Does he not love me like you do?"

Oh, maybe I'll find someone to love the both of us,

An' I'll tell her when she's old enough to know the truth. 

Thank you for promising emmalie & i a life that you took away. 

Thank you for my stresses of trying to work 7

days a week to make my bills, keep house up and be the best mom I can... which i feel ive failed at... Sometmes its easier when shes begging me for something  i know she shouldnt/cant have, to just give in so i dont have to fight her, rather than tell her no and listen to her scream and cry and throw a fit... I have no shoulder to lean or you to look at for help.

Thank you for throwing me that awesome baby shower when i was pregnant. It was such a wonderful surprise, and you may have guessed wrong on the "baby belly tape" but i loved you for it anyways.... where are you now? 

Thank you for the tattoo of emmi on your wrist, how will you explain it when you get it covered... will you say its an ex girlfriends name or will you tell the tattoo artist the truth "thats my daughters name, but i dont want her anymore"

Basically what im saying is

THANK YOU FOR NOTHING.

(aside her!)

Sincerely,

YOUR EX WIFE